Friday, June 29, 2012

Demons in My Head #3: Step into My Mind

Step into My Mind

Ready to walk in? Last chance to back out!

To get an idea of who I am, let me begin with where I am coming from:

My parents have eight children. My two eldest brothers (twins) were both born with severe developmental disabilities and died in separate housefires spaced 22 years apart. Both times, my family lost almost everything. I first discussed most of this in a really long post that is now resting comfortably in the back end of this blog - aka - limbo. Perhaps at a later point in time, I'll bring it back. I'm not mentioning any of this to tug on the heart strings. The point is:

I don't care about material things; I care about people.

Do I have goals? Absolutely. Are there things I would like to own? A Bosendorfer piano, for one. That said, I recognize that I can lose everything - including my own life - in the blink of an eye. The day I stood in the emergency room (February 27, 2002) looking at the mortal shell that once held my brother - a brother I had cared for my entire life - the idea of having my own place with my own things away from my immediate family suddenly seemed empty. Spending my life doing work I couldn't stand to make those things happen suddenly didn't seem like a viable long-term solution to me.

The people in my life became more important than anything... and frankly, if I was doomed to be miserable and frustrated, it may as well be focused in a direction of my choosing, regardless of whether it was "socially acceptable" or lucrative.

Yes... I caught hell for it, too. There were people who apparently had no qualms about telling me to my face that I was being selfish, immature, irresponsible, and a disappointment to my family. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't sting. Heck... for years, I refused to even have a conversation about what I did, as if I should be somehow ashamed of being a musician.

And go figure, I've been doing it my entire life.

My viewpoint has evolved somewhat over the years, but that base feeling is still the same. I'm not driven by status, but what will ultimately help the people in my life.

I am closer to my family than ever and I recognize how that can be intimidating in its own way. By the same token, they have been extremely supportive of me. They have made investments and sacrifices so I can even have a chance of pursuing a music career. In my life, they come before me, but not at the cost of everything they have helped me to build. And yes, they have been there to catch me through every bumbleheaded mistake I made.

I owe it to them to do what I have been trying to make happen my entire life and let no one devalue it.

And so... Life goes on.


No comments:

Post a Comment